Have you ever tried to do something and it didn’t turn out the way you wanted? 

When I do this, my go to internal dialogue is: “Oh my hell, you are such a failure!”

Wrong. 

As much as we want to believe our inner critic, as much as we think that our inner critic is correct; I cannot stress enough that if this is what it is telling you….. That little bitch in your head is wrong. 

Dead wrong. 

There was a year in my life that I had 10 jobs!! 

Yes you read that correctly. 

Actually 4 of the 10 jobs were the same job. These wonderful people let me come back to my place of employment any time one of my crazy ideas went south. At the time, I had no idea they were going to let me come back when I groveled, but they did, and for that I am grateful. 

I worked at the airport for exactly 30 days. I thought it would be fun to meet people. I thought it would be fun to engage with people who were traveling to far away places. 

It will be exciting, I said. I will learn so many new things, I said. 

What I learned was, 90% of the people who travel are unpleasant. Among them, entitled businessmen who traveled for their work who thought they were more important than I was and their time was to be held at a higher standard than mine. Parents that were traveling with kids who were stressed to the max because 2 out of their 3 children were screaming and they were anxious that they were going to miss their flight. 

At this time I smoked, and smoking rooms in airports were still a thing. During my breaks I would puff down as many cigarettes as I could while I cried quietly in the corner not wanting to go back to my miserable job. This was the only job I no called, no showed and I felt horrible. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Waking up at 3 am to be at work by 4:30 just to get treated poorly by people, was not my gig.

I worked at a call center for 2 months, until I had to endure a phone call for 2 and a half hours with someone yelling at me and calling me derogatory names. To say the very least, that was my very last shift, my sensitive heart wasn’t made for that.  

One time I decided I was going to start a furniture refurbishing business. I loved to create beautiful things that no one wanted and turn them into works of art. Turns out, I was the only one who thought my creations were worth my time and money. The people of the internet haggled and complained that my prices were too high because they didn’t understand the amount of work it actually took to turn these pieces of furniture into something worth having. 

I wrote a book. It took me three years. Currently, the manuscript is sitting in a drawer in my bedroom. 

I’m scared to death to publish it.

I will do it, eventually. At some point I will get the courage, today is not that day. 

Right out of beauty school I landed a job at a high end Aveda salon. All through school it was my dream to work at an amazing salon and charge outlandish prices and eventually travel all over as an amazing color technician. I was even given the opportunity to travel to New York for free and attend a very small week long class from a well-known hair stylist. I tried my hardest to fit into this mold, but after a year and a half of trying to be something I wasn’t, I decided that was not in fact my dream. 

I was left with: “Well, if that’s not my dream, what in the actual hell is? If I failed at this, how can I ever expect to succeed at anything in the hair world?”

I worked in a barber shop for a month, this wasn’t my jam either. 

I worked at Great Clips cutting hair for 2 years and just recently interviewed at a salon because I decided I wanted to put all my hair talents to use. I got the job and I spent $400 on the supplies I would need to work in the salon. I was supposed to start this Tuesday. Three days ago, after thinking long and hard with a little bit of tears, okay a lot a bit of tears,  I told the salon owner I wasn’t going to be able to work for her after all. 

A day after she told me I had the job, I was offered a full-time position at an art and event space in town. 

Was I scared to start at the salon? Oh my hell, I was terrified! Was I scared to give up the space at the salon? Yes. Am I nervous about my new venture coming up? Absolutely! Is my inner critic telling me that there is no way I am good enough to hold this position? Yup.

Considering how many jobs I have held over my lifetime; considering how many ideas that I have had that didn’t blossom into the amazing career opportunity I had imagined;

one might consider me a failure. 

Have I thought of myself as a failure? Yes, too many times to count. 

What I try to remember is: 

Failing isn’t trying and not succeeding with MY desired outcome. 

Failure would be to never try at all and let my inner critic win.

  

I have held so many positions over my lifetime and I have had so many ideas that didn’t pan out exactly like I had wanted. 

Even this blog isn’t as successful as I wanted it to be by now, but hey, everything worth while takes time. 

I am NOT a failure. 

Ten years ago, I wouldn’t even recognize the person I am today. I was sheltered, had little to no self- esteem and absolutely no confidence. 

Each job title that I have had has given me insights to little pieces of who can be. I learned that I can communicate very well. I learned how to read people and be able to speak to someone in a way that feels comfortable for them so I am able to clearly express my thoughts and ideas. I found out that I am smart. I found out that I have a talent for creating beautiful pieces of furniture, even if the only one who appreciates them is me. 

Most of all, I have learned that I am valuable and worthy of any opportunity that is given to me. 

Failure is absolutely in no way not succeeding at what I set out to do. 

Failure would be being too afraid to ever put myself out there at all. 

Let me be clear.

One might be afraid to put themselves out there for days, months, years even. There is no time limit on stepping into your power. There is no shame in being afraid and putting things off. 

The only time table you are competing against is the time table you set for yourself. 

You are the only person who can determine what that is. Be gentle with yourself. 

It has taken me years and many many adventures to develop my confidence to be able to allow me to take action to go for the things that I want. This didn’t happen overnight. 

And, I still have times where I am afraid that I am not good enough and that’s okay.

So what can we do to realize and seek out our full potential? 

I cannot tell you what to do, it’s not a one size fits all thing. What I can do is tell you is what has helped me over the years. 

Here are the steps I take when I am feeling stuck and afraid to move forward or want different outcomes in my day to day life. 

1. Ask myself what do I want? What do I really really want? 

I want to create a life for myself that I am excited to wake up for every morning. 

2. What action can I take today to make what I want a possibility? 

Sit with myself (I do this through meditation) and get clear on what is standing in my way of achieving my goal. 

3. What is standing in my way? 

My habits: drinking, staying awake too late, negative self talk.

•  I love beer. I found that I cannot tell myself I can NEVER drink again – if I tell myself I cannot do something, I get angry and want to fight back. “Oh yeah I can’t drink.. I’m going to do it anyway, take that!” 

However, what I can do is be mindful of the amount of alcohol I am consuming and work on it. Do my best, whatever my best looks like that day.  I’m hopeful that one day I will not use alcohol as a crutch for my emotions. I’m working on this. It takes time, and I am very happy with where I am today on this. 

• I am most productive in the mornings. I can make a promise to myself to go to bed early so that I can wake up early and take advantage of my most productive time.

• My negative self talk sometimes gets out of hand. If I continue to practice meditation every morning, I will therefore be more mindful about my inner critic and be able to recognize when I am talking to myself in a way that is not helpful.   

This looks something like this: 

My inner critic: “You are so lazy, you never get anything right, you make promises to yourself that you do not keep – you suck!” 

My mindful awareness: “Okay I hear you, and I am choosing not to believe that because thoughts are not facts. I’m not interested in listening to this negative self-talk right now. I am doing the best I can at this moment and that is good enough.”

4. Write down a list of all the things that would make my life more enjoyable. 

Give myself 5 minutes to write down a list of things that would bring me joy. Here is an example of what that would look like. I’m actually going to just do it now for the sake of the exercise 

• Be a better mom
• Do the things I tell myself I am going to do
• Create time for my self care routine
• Meditate every day
• Take Willow (my amazing puppers) on a walk daily
• Be a better friend, wife, daughter
• Stay on top of household chores
• Have a better relationship with my children
• Go to bed early
• Wake up early
• Journal everyday
• Stop associating with toxic people

Okay my five minutes is up, I really just write whatever comes to mind about the question I have asked myself. Next, I write one thing I can do to make an effort toward each of my concerns, I honestly just write the first thing that comes to mind.

• Be a better mom – Commit to 10 minutes a day undivided attention with each child 
• Do the things I tell myself I am going to do – Make a point to do one thing a day on my to-do list 
• Create time for my self care routine – Have a bubble bath once a week without my phone
• Meditate every day – Commit to do this first thing in the morning, even if it’s 5 minutes 
• Take willow on a walk daily – Go no matter what, it doesn’t have to be long, even just around the block
• Be a better friend, wife, daughter – Check in once a week letting my loved ones know I love them. 
• Stay on top of household chores- Start one load of laundry in morning, start dishwasher every night, empty every morning
• Have a better relationship with my children – Ask about their day and really listen with no distractions
• Go to bed early – Set an alarm at 8 pm to alert me to get ready for bed
• Wake up early – Go to bed by 9, wake up when alarm goes off, 5 second rule.
• Journal everyday –  Make part of bed time routine – mornings too hectic right now
• Stop associating with toxic people – Identify toxic people in my life give them less of my time

If this list seems too scary and overwhelming for me, I work on one thing a week. Trying to do everything all at once sometimes pushes me over the edge and triggers a panic attack. To be completely honest, even working at one thing fills my heart and gives me a greater purpose. Doing my personal work, one small task at a time feels like an accomplishment.  

Wash, Rise, Repeat. 

These steps are not something I take all in one day, I take it slow. One thing at a time. Whenever I feel like my life has come to a halt or feels like I am completely out of control, I try to direct my focus on the things that I know will bring me joy and come up with a doable plan that can help me create the changes that I need to create forward movement in my life. 

Personal growth is a constant and evolving process. Making changes, will in most cases, not happen overnight. 

It’s important for me to not let myself get discouraged and notice the areas that I am making improvements! Celebrating even the smallest of success, even going to bed a half and hour earlier is HUGE! 

Any progress at all is a victory. 

One of my close friends told me this week, “Hey, has anyone told you today not to take life so seriously, you are doing great! Remember that!” 

If you think you are failing in any area of your life, remind yourself, you have tried over and over and over again, you just haven’t found that thing, the thing that works just yet. I have all the faith in the world you will find that golden ticket, maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will find it eventually. 

My friend, even trying at all, is a success in my book. 

Be gentle with yourself. 

Waking up today and doing all the things you have already done is a magnificent accomplishment.  

If nothing else, remember that! 

“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison

 

With love,