I used to drink. I used to drink a lot. Well, a lot is relative isn’t it? There are people that wake up and drink from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed. This wasn’t me. I could still hold down a job, I showed up for all the important things in my children’s lives. I didn’t have to drink so I wouldn’t have the shakes. I guess what I am getting at here is that I drank more than I was comfortable with.
The amount of alcohol I was drinking wasn’t conducive to the life I wanted to create.
I drank, then I beat myself up for drinking.
I drank to numb out. At the time, I wasn’t being honest with myself or with anyone for all that matters, so I drank to stop my anxiety, which exacerbated my depression. Then I drank to cover my depression which worsened my anxiety. I was living in a nasty little cycle just wanting relief and going about it in a not so beneficial way.
My relationship with alcohol was toxic.
I had a friend years prior that had asked me to attend her yoga class. I was going through a divorce and naturally I was a hot mess. She thought attending yoga would help me settle my mind down.
I have struggled with my mental health my whole life. I didn’t speak of it often. I was a suffer in silence kind of girl. Or suffer in the shower, bawling my eyes out hoping no one would hear me kind of girl. I decided what could it hurt? If she thought yoga would help me with my head, I was game.
Count me in.
I attended that yoga class.
It wasn’t helpful.
She started instructing us to do this and to do that. Downward dog she had said.
My brain chimed in.
“Downward dog that is funny. Why would they name a yoga pose after a dog, aren’t all dogs downward anyway? Speaking of dogs, I can’t believe my children want pet mice. Gross. Oh you know what else is gross, the pile of laundry in my hamper, it’s starting to smell. I need to go to the Laundromat today. Ughhhh Laundromat. What I really need to do is find an apartment that has washers and dryers in them then I wouldn’t……..”
Focus.
Focus.
Don’t think.
“Don’t think!? How can I not think? I am practically a thinking machine!”
It went on like this for the whole hour. Needless to say, I didn’t enjoy it and never went back. Help with my head! She is nuts. If anything, I left with more anxiety than I arrived with. I would never be being doing yoga again.
The thing about never, is it comes back to bite you in the ass. I have successfully attended many yoga classes since. However, it took 7 years and developing my meditation practice to be able to comfortably do so.
It took time, and it took me wanting absolutely nothing else other than to feel relief. I would try anything. I just wanted to feel better. Clearly alcohol wasn’t doing the job, I needed to dig myself out of the hole I had drank myself into.
This is when I turned to meditation. I had read many articles and spoken with many people who had nothing but good things to say about the benefits that mediation had brought to their life. Some of them who were previously on anti-anxiety medications and had gotten the okay from their doctors to taper their meds and eventually no longer use them.
I’m not saying mediation is a cure all.
I’m not saying to stop your medications, that’s best discussed with your doctor. What I am saying is that meditation can benefit your life,
and there is absolutely nothing to lose. 
With that, I was determined to wrestle my thoughts and make my brain go silent. I was going to sit in such and such way, the way I had seen people sit in movies while meditating, and I was going to close my eyes and
BAM!
Magic, my mind would be silent.
Nope. Not at all. Not one little teeny tiny bit.
My brain was a damned highway of thoughts zipping this way and that way. After that first 3 minutes I felt defeated. This was pointless. My brain is my brain, it’s always going to control me. I don’t know why I even try.
I tried anyway. I kept trying day after day. I started with 3 minutes then worked my way up to 5. I started feeling that I wasn’t doing it right. There is got to be one correct way to do this thing, I thought. I started reading books and articles to get some more insight.
What I learned is:
Mediation isn’t about silencing your mind at all. It’s about paying attention and being mindful to my thoughts without judgment. It’s about noticing my thoughts, my feelings, my body.
Simply being aware of myself.
I continued to read everything I could about meditation. I continued cultivating my practice. I found it was best for me to wake up early and meditate before anyone else was up. My house is a bit hectic and loud 99.9% of the time. With the dog, the three boys, and their incessant need to say Mom every 5 minutes, morning was the only time I could have all to myself.
I sacrificed my sleep, so I could be a better mom, wife, and overall human. In all honesty, it didn’t feel like I had sacrificed anything really.
The return ended up being more lucrative than the sacrifice had been.
I felt that if I was going to get the most of out this thing, I needed assistance from outside myself, from people who knew the ins and outs. After all the books and articles I read, I still didn’t really understand.
I downloaded Headspace and started there, I didn’t have money to pay for it, so I just used the free portion and it helped me immensely.
From there, I dove into the world of guided mediations on YouTube. I listed to several, most of them had voices I didn’t like, and I would quickly turn them off; then I found The Honest Guys. Whenever I am struggling in the mediation department, and trust me, some days my monkey mind still gets the best of me, I search up one of their guided meditations to help me out.
Once I had a handle of the way I wanted my mediation practice to look for me, I discovered my go to. Wayne Dyer’s “I am that I am” Mediation. I listen to it every morning during my practice. The sounds are soothing and peaceful to me, I feel like listening to this helps me to open up to my higher self.
I started noticing little changes at first. My days would go much smoother. My mood was better. I didn’t feel like I wanted to drink as much. Overall I was at least 10% happier.
I know 10% doesn’t sound like much, but it was a noticeably big deal to me. It was the difference between lying in bed all day crying vs. pulling my big girl panties up to take the kids somewhere fun. It was just enough to get me out of my head long enough to entertain a different and better feeling thought.
I’m a year into my consistent mediation practice and it has turned into a full-on movement within me. I feel clam overall. I can recognize the thoughts that trigger my anxiety before it starts and my compassion for people has exploded. I’m not so quick to assume the worst in people. My mind is quiet most the time.
I didn’t realize how busy it had been up there my whole life until I finally found peace and quiet. I don’t get angry often and I am a better mom, wife, and friend. I feel like I am a better listener, because I can focus and hear what I am being told instead of having to try to listen over my own thoughts.
I notice more things. The small things. The things we think are inconsequential. It’s those things that make life beautiful if we take the time to see and hear with our heart.
This is what mediation has done for me. In my experience I am not 10% happier. I would dare say I am a completely different person. I feel like I am at least 40 to 50% happier.
Not everyone is going to have the same experience. I dove right it, no questions asked. It took dedication and desire of wanting change more than I wanted to hold onto my shit.
The mediation made we want to open my heart. Which lead me to reading more books and participate in as many self-awareness/self-improvement practices on my own as I could. It wasn’t just meditation alone.
Meditation was the foundation on which I built the rest of my life upon.
The lyric to a song comes to mind. “The Wise Man Built His House Upon a Rock.”
Mediation is my rock. The house is my well-being.
I’m sure as I grow and evolve, my mediation practice will grow and evolve with me. I started with only 5 minutes of feeling unproductive. I am now sitting 30 minutes having it pass by as if it were three. I feel rejuvenated and calm when I am done. Ready to take on the world.
There are an endless amount of ways in which you can make meditation work for you, the trick is finding what sings to your soul. I challenge you to make meditation a cornerstone for your growth and well-being.
If you are still skeptical, Dan Harris, a well-known news achor wrote the book 10% Happier. Even though at the time I read it, I was already convinced of the benefits, it was still a helpful read. One I would suggest to anyone who wants to start their own mediation practice but may still have some hang-ups.
Enjoy!
Remember, mediation doesn’t have to look a specific way. If you decided to take this journey, having a practice that fits your own life is the most important.
