I’m Overwhelmed…
… with my job, my personal life, my children’s lives.
I am struggling with work/life balance. I feel like I am living to work. However, I do find it satisfying to know that I worked my ass off to get to where I am today. Now it’s about finding balance and not letting my work consume me — even in my dreams.
Because of recent circumstances of childhood trauma/abuse coming to light and the way it was handled — I have lost relationships that were otherwise pretty stable. They have turned into something foreign to me … the niceties, small talk, awkward hugs, and hurt feelings. I don’t know how to get these relationships to resemble any sort of normal again. For now
— I’ll fake it until I make it, I guess. One small step at a time.
Also, no one told me that having adult children trying to live on their own for the first time is just as hard, if not more difficult, than the terrible twos. I worry endlessly about my child. The hard part is … I cannot give unsolicited advice. I value my close relationship with him and I want to keep it that way. He will ask when he is ready.
We have all been a 20-something who thought we knew everything. He isn’t any different, even though he is far more advanced than I was at his age. However, watching him struggle through life experiences that I have already navigated and not being able to shake him and say …
“Do this, not that … it will help you in the long run — I promise.”
… is completely killing me inside. It’s like being trapped in a glass box that I can see out of — but no one can see in.
I live a big portion of my life like that, trapped.
Mostly trapped in my own brain, in the overwhelm … I know it will take just one small act of choosing something different. Of deciding that I no longer want to live in this overwhelming reality that I have created for myself.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
But, how does one overcome overwhelm?
It can be as small as the act of making myself tea and staying in the moment. I am making tea, listening to the water boil and the whistle blow. The tea coats my insides with its warmth. It feels comforting.
Taking small breaks during the day to just focus on my breath. In … out … in … out … to the count of four.
Thinking of anything and everything that brings me joy. What makes me smile from the inside out? Who are my biggest cheerleaders? At this moment, what is one thing that creates happiness in my life? Focus on that.
My sweet friend envisions a waterfall of peace cascading down over her face. I have adopted this in my practice whenever I feel the overwhelm sneaking up on me. Serenity now. Deep breaths. Slow thoughts.
Recognizing my thoughts. Do they serve me? Am I telling myself lies and assuming the worst in a situation that is otherwise manageable or is it, in fact, out of my control?
Letting go of the things that I cannot control. What is in my power to change and what is it that I would be better off accepting?
Exercise, even just 15 minutes a day. I exercised yesterday for the first time in months. It did something to me … the rest of the day I felt an energy I haven’t felt for a long time. Exercise without the pressure of losing weight, to simply be in the moment and feel healthier.
These things seem very small. I know what you may be thinking — how can these seemingly little steps help me feel better?
I’m not exactly sure, to be honest. I just know that if I adopt these practices in my daily life, my mental state changes — even for just a moment. If I can live 10% of my life in a more peaceful way, one thing will lead to another, and I am certain I will experience more calm moments throughout my day.
My body gives me signs that it’s going into overdrive. I feel a tingling in my arms and legs, my heart begins to race, and it’s hard to control my breath. My brain starts driving and I turn into the passenger holding onto the “oh shit handle” praying for relief.
When the signs come — that is my cue to initiate operation CALM. If I just pay attention to what my body is trying to tell me, I can get ahead of myself and drive my own ship.
Breaths, gratitude, mindfulness, acceptance, move forward.
Repeat as needed.
I am not a mindfulness coach or a guru of any sort. I experience hardships and pain just as much as anyone else. I know these things and had to develop my operation calm because if I didn’t, I am sure I would spiral out of control.
Control.
I have struggled with this concept for years. There are things I can and possibly should control to help keep me sane and healthy. Then there are things that I have no power over. When I try to control these things … I veer off course so completely I lose sight of who I truly am deep down inside.
I tend to hold onto things with a white-knuckle grip that no longer serve me. The thought of letting go of some of these things creates fear.
Fear.
I’m working on letting fear be a driving force, not something that stops me in my tracks. Fear and excitement register the same in the human body. Take that feeling and run with it — run with the excitement of creating something bigger than me.
Lastly, I listen to my body to know when it’s time to rest. Rest is an important step in staying healthy. I cannot run on fumes for very long before I sputter out and stop moving completely.
The overwhelm turns into a downward spiral into the deep, dark abyss of longing and wishing life was different.
If I want change, I have to change.
It will not be easy, but I’m sure making these small efforts and changes will be worth it.
