I think most of us can agree that setting and having healthy boundaries is important. What no one tells you about setting healthy boundaries is that you may experience an extreme amount of guilt.
I am a recovering people pleaser.
Setting boundaries is still something I have to practice. It doesn’t come naturally. Not very often does the word NO grace my lips. I want to be a yes person when it comes to people I love and care about. However, more often than not I cause myself heartache over this.
I thought that being a yes person and doing everything that was asked of me was a sign of love and respect.
What I have learned is that we condition people how to treat us. If they know you always say yes, or agree with them, or not speak your truth… they will come to expect this of you.
Flash forward to when you decide to stand your ground, love yourself first, and set healthy boundaries – you may be surprised by the response.
The first time you do this with a person who is used to having you be a people pleasing YES person – they are most likely not going to know what to do with this. And in some cases become upset.
Sometimes setting a healthy boundary means not allowing a person to be involved in your life anymore at all.
I had an aha moment with someone whom I think has amazing insight to some of life’s biggest questions.
I asked…
“What do I do with my feelings of guilt about not letting these people be a part of my life anymore? I feel extremely guilty and have a deep despair over my lost relationships.
I’m not sad so much that they are not such a huge part of my life like they used to be.
I’m actually sad and feel guilty that I don’t WANT them to be a part of my life anymore. I thought these relationships would last forever. I thought they would hang on until the bitter end; still be around when I’m old and rocking in a rocking chair on my porch.
My ride or die.
I will be over with a shovel and bury the body in the forest-type peeps.”
He asked me…
“Did you give a lot of thought into creating these boundaries and did you do it for the betterment of yourself and your family?”
“Yes.”
“Then there is nothing to feel guilty about.”
Then he dropped a BOMB!
He said…
“At that point feeling guilty is a choice. You are choosing to feel guilty. You do not have to choose that.”
My Dude!!!
What!?
I’m choosing this?!
The guilt we feel over setting boundaries for the betterment ourselves, is a choice. We are setting boundaries not to hurt others, but to love ourselves. How others feel about our boundaries is not something that we need to carry.
At any time we can choose not to feel guilty and recognize that the practice of setting boundaries is an act of self love.
It is not shameful to love yourself and put yourself first.
There is no one else in this universe who can love you like you love yourself.
This is an inside job, no one can make you love yourself.
I’m still sad that I feel this way. For many months I have mourned these relationships. It has been over a year since I pulled the plug and it still feels like I lost these relationships yesterday.
It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to mourn the death of a relationship.
Our connections with people are a big deal. Human interaction and connection is a huge part of what makes this life enjoyable and at times… bearable.
Making a choice to put yourself first may look like losing people you love.
After assessing my relationships and coming to the conclusion that they were turning into something unhealthy for me, I made a choice. Ever since that day, I have been dealing with a guilty conscience.
Am I crazy? Are my versions of events completely warped? Am I being too harsh? Oh my God – am I a horrible person?
These questions have been on repeat in my head for over a year. I have tried to look at these relationships every which way to try to find a reason that I am wrong in my decision. I have tried time and time again to convince myself that I am being completely insane.
It all comes down to the fact that I have been torturing myself because I feel guilty about setting a boundary and choosing me.
I don’t have the answers. I cannot write a How to get Over Your Guilt When Setting Boundaries post. If I did that I would be lying to myself and to you.
I’m still working on this.
What I can do is share my experience. I am human. I am fallible and I have feelings that are uncomfortable. Sometimes I don’t have any idea what to do about these feelings and they eat at me until I break.
During my last session with my therapist she suggested that when feelings of discomfort come up…..
Be quiet.
Sit with them.
Feel them.
Press the pause button.
We have a human instinct of fight or flight.
She suggested that I sit.
So I have been sitting.
Sitting with the guilt, that now I know is a choice.
I’m working on choosing a better feeling.
All the love,
