Do you know what toxic positivity is?
My wife didn’t.
She and I were having our morning coffee the other day and I blew her mind. Literally blew her mind which is hard to do because she knows everything.
I try to fact check her when she tells me things hoping that one day I can tell her she is wrong but it never works. So as you can imagine I was quite proud of myself when she couldn’t wrap her head around what I was saying.
She had never heard of this before and thought I was making it up. I spent several minutes explaining to her what toxic positivity was and how it has affected me in my life.
For those of you out there who are not familiar with toxic positivity, the interweb says:
“Toxic Positivity: Toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with negative emotions. It is often well-intentioned but can cause alienation and a feeling of disconnection.”
After I read the actual definition I was like well … shit, not only have I been surrounded by people like this for years ….
I WAS this person!
Since the new year just passed I have been entertaining some thoughts in my head about this subject.
I have never really been a big fan of New Years. I feel like the toxic positivity monster comes out in full force ready to gobble anyone up that may look it’s direction.
Yay! Celebrate! It’s the New Year!
And just like that, because the last number in the year went up by one, we are ready to make a resolution and the changes we have promised ourselves to make every single Monday for the last 52 Mondays.
I think we all do it sometimes. I tell myself: I will start my new exercise routine, my new way of eating, organizing, de-junking etc. on Monday.
It’s the new year! Gotta me a new me!!
It’s possible that many people have a dialogue that looks a lot like this. I assume this because this has been my inner dialogue for years.
This year I am going to work on:
Meditating EVERY DAY!
Exercise 5 times a week
Do something nice for random people at least once a week
Make more time for my family
Reach out to friends more often
Read more
Spend more time working on myself
Being more positive and always trying to see the good side of things
Dudes…. The list could go on for days.
I’m all for growth and improvement but not at the expense of being exhausted and not feeling my feelings.
This year, toxic positivity has no room in my life.
I am going to do what feels good to me. Exercise when I want to exercise. Cry when I’m sad, feel my anger as long as I need to. Rest when I am exhausted. Isolate myself when I want to be alone. Turn off my phone and not respond to messages until I am ready. Recognize not everything that happens has a whole cosmic reason behind it.
Sometimes things are good just because they are good and sometimes sucky things happen just because they do.
I think it is important to feel all the feels then work towards understanding, improvement and growth.
I am going to tell you something that I know to be true but each time it happens I don’t realize it until I’m out of the thick of it.
Rejection is Protection.
I will stand by that my WHOLE life. If you need something to hold onto to help you not fall into a black hole when the entire world seems to be caving in around you.
Remember that rejection is protection ….
and it’s safe and okay to feel your feelings.
I don’t think positivity has to be an either or situation.
I believe it is a Yes AND situation.
Yes that happened AND I’m really feeling miserable about it AND I will get through it.
One who jumps straight onto the positivity train after their car gets wrecked is in straight up denial.
I mean – at the very least I think anger, stress, frustration, or fear would pop up for at least a moment before the toxic positivity bug attacked.
Yes, we are all floating on a rock through space and I can only control what I can control but I get to feel my emotions.
And stay with them as long as needed.
Toxic positivity kicks in when people skip the middle step and jump straight to the blessings and lessons and try to get others to do the same.
XYZ happened and I am a positive person so I HAVE to jump straight to acceptance and look for the bright side.
Yes, eventually we want to see the blessings, learn the lessons, and find acceptance. But it is extremely important to not skip that middle step of feeling your feelings no matter how uncomfortable they may be.
XYZ happens – Feel your feelings – Feel them some more – Then look for ways you can learn and grow from the experience.
Trust me. Holding in your feelings and not letting them surface; or not recognizing them at all, will not help you in the long run.
In fact – after only seeing the bright side and refusing to see anything opposite of that, your feelings will only build and build and build until one day….
You cannot hold it in any longer and snap.
There have been people in my life that any time I was around them I had to be on point. I had to check my energy before I shared space with them. If I was having a bad day I was expected to course correct. If I was sad or angry I was expected to look at the bigger picture and jump quickly from the situation to being okay with what is.
I mean that’s all fine and dandy. Do I think it was malicious or ill-intentioned? No, not at all. I just think that it wasn’t helpful. A major step had been skipped many many times.
For years I believed to be a positive and spiritual person heading towards growth and awakening, I could not feel my feelings if they were “bad.”
Feelings are not good or bad.
They just are. Feelings are what make us human and be able to have empathy. They are what help us find connection with the people around us.
You can be a positive person and experience anger, sadness, jealousy. You can get discouraged and feel lost.
The feelings are not the problem. They are not the enemy.
However, there is a fine line of feeling your feelings or letting them control you. This being human stuff is no joke. Like I said above, feel it, feel it all.
Meditate about it
Go for a walk about it
Sit with yourself and cry about it
Have a bubble bath and read a book about it
Then…. Do something about it. Or let it go.
I think the last step is just as important. Feel it all then decide what to do about it and/or accept and let go.
I can usually do this within a couple hours or days for the little not as important stuff.
There are some things I have been working through with my therapist that are going to take some time. Honestly, these big guys might stick with me forever. I may not ever be able to completely accept and let go.
But they are not going to control me.
I go on about my day and when the thoughts about these certain events or relationships come up, I feel about it for a minute, then put it on the shelf and move on.
Then set a time later when I can journal or meditate – and when I cry, I let it out and cry until I don’t have anything left.
These heavy situations may take a while to get to a place of acceptance and that is okay. I have been sad about this handful of heavy shit for quite some time and I don’t have the answers of how to make it better and I have not yet gotten to the point of acceptance and letting go. I am taking it one day at a time and working through them in my own time at my own pace. Eventually I will be able to look at these situations with different eyes and be free.
Until that time comes, toxic positivity can stuff it.
I will feel the emotions when they come up and I will be still with them and move on until the next time. I am a positive, loving and caring person who has emotions. My emotions do not make me less spiritual or hinder my growth.
It is just the opposite.
My emotions and my hardships help me connect with others in a beautiful way.
My lovely readers…
Next time you get caught up in a situation that brings forth emotions you don’t love… feel them. You don’t have to jump straight to the lessons and blessings. You get to feel your emotions, then in time, do something about it or let it go.
Feel your emotions but don’t let them control you.
Since I am not a therapist or a doctor. If you have read this and any of it resonated with you, I suggest you go do your own research on toxic positivity and feeling your feelings. I don’t have the answers. I am on a journey much like you looking and trying to find what helps me to feel good.
The theme to this journey, it seems, has been unlearning toxic behavior and ideas then replacing them with healthy behaviors and ideas.
Society
Religion
Spiritually
You name it. There are toxic individuals and ideas in all of these areas.
It’s all about finding what works for you.
All the loves,
Header Image: Background photo created by Waewkidja – www.freepik.com
